Thank you for writing this. I was struck by your observation that neurodiversity isn’t as prominent later in life (as others see it). I’m a therapist who was also diagnosed later in life and so many of my patients have a message they keep telling themselves, “I should have outgrown this.” I grew up in NYC and lived there for 21 years. It was always loud and the masking was exhausting. I never “got used to it.” It was only when I was able to move to a place that felt safer and listen to myself that I was able to heal.
That’s a really interesting insight, thank you. It doesn’t help that autism and ADHD are still referred to as “childhood disorders” in the mainstream media and general community.
This rings so true. I’ve been unraveling my late diagnosis in the thick of perimenopause. It is a lot, and the urge to try and “fix” myself is still so strong.
Thank you for this. I can relate to so much of your story. I am in a state of exhaustion at the moment and trying not to beat myself up about it. Thank you for reminding me that it is part of the process.
(Diagnosed autistic at age 42, probably also undiagnosed ADHD. Surgical menopause at 52. Self-employed as conventional employments never last more than 6 months. Lots of other similarities to your story..)
Thanks so much for your response Tina. It’s so much to deal with isn’t it? I’m glad you were also able to take the self-employment option and I hope it’s working well for you.
So relatable. I was diagnosed ADHD when I was 55 and 10 years later and a lot of research and self awareness I believe he should have added ASD but at 65 I’m not going to push it because it’s all neurodivergence to one degree or the other. I don’t think I was ever mad about it, just a mixture of aha moments and sad moments knowing my life could have been different.
I get what you’re saying Leah. The diagnosis only gets you so far. The hard slog of unravelling how it has impacted on you and interacted with everything else in your life is down to you.
Ugh yes, I’ve been stuck in this “overcoming” loop for so long and it’s just not possible. If you’ve heard of the spoon theory, we don’t need more spoons, we just need to learn to accept and manage the spoons we have.
Yes, I know all about spoon theory. I also know about fork theory - the sharp edges in the environment that make life harder and use up our spoons. The environment needs to change instead of us adapting to it all the time.
"The hypervigilant nervous system that comes with an ever-present fear of being in the world and being caught out for some unspecified infringement. Never being able to settle into a core sense of safety because it doesn’t feel safe to be yourself. Whatever that is." This and the following few paragraphs so beautifully summarized what led to the chronic burnout I'm just starting to crawl out of. Thank you for articulating things I've struggled with, and well as the desire to find what will work moving forward 🙏🏻🖤
Could have written this. It is such a point for point mirror of what I’ve been feeling. I’m coming to understand the rupture/collapse I feel is both a reflection of our time (as without, so within) but also fairly (haha) TYPICAL of the late dx AuDHD middle aged woman. It’s a relief to finally be ‘normal’ in a way? But also look at the road of recovery, stabilization, and reacquaintance with oneself lies before you. It’s a whole lot.
Hi, I have chosen to send this comment because I read this post today.
I read it with a mixture of emotions, realising that your words were my words. The tiredness has caught up with me and it has puzzled me because after taking my own step off the neuro typical merry-go-round recently to seek out a recovery from imminent burn out, I had expected to find balance and energy.
I'm a late diagnosed ADHDer myself. My world has started to retract and its not so much a conscious decision but another kind of fall out.
Anyway, thank you for articulating the experience and I will stop my ramblings.
Thanks so much for your response Shirralee. It’s so bittersweet isn’t it - wanting to tap into your authentic self and build a life that honours it but having so many things getting in the way.
I am trying to reconcile what you’ve written with my (anecdotal) knowledge that a diagnosis in middle school was not some type of salvation, or a haven for help, growth and opportunity.
It was the 90s, it was deeply shaming in my school, IEPs were laughable/ignored, and there was absolutely no body of knowledge about the way ADHD influenced sleep or emotional dysregulation, for examples.
Diagnosed as a child, a girl with inattentive subtype (there was the *slightest* nod toward subtypes by then but no real insight as to what they meant in terms of need), there was still an expectation that this diagnosis was for school and school only. So the ‘grow out of it’ mentality was ever-present from everybody to parents to psychiatric care (because if you didn’t do well on stimulant meds, that meant you didn’t need any).
Not trying to debate who has it harder, just recognize that a diagnosis is yes, a privilege, and still, only a privilege for some with the means for treatment beyond amphetamines and psycho-therapy, and for people/families that understood this wasn’t simply a childhood or school-related disorder.
I agree with you that being diagnosed as a child is far from a panacea for all the difficulties that come with being neurodivergent. I was a child in the 70s and 80s when it wasn't even a diagnostic possibility so I tend not to focus on the what-ifs. Even if it had been a possibility I'm sure it would have been its own hell as you suggest. But what I do try and focus on is the legacy that we deal with as adults; the accumulated stress and trauma of all those years of trying to meet neurotypical expectations. I ask that people understand the ongoing impact on our mental and physical health and why we need to be supported as adults. In 2025 there is no excuse for ignorance about neurodivergence.
I take no issue with your advocacy, just pointing that so many of those of us who received diagnoses earlier share the same problem - because upon diagnosis the language/med approach is still centered around “okay how can we fix you and all these issues you have/all the ways you are problematic” instead of meeting us outside neurotypical expectations.
When I read people finding relief in a diagnosis, my head and heart say, simultaneously, “wow I’m so glad that feels good” and “welcome to this special and unique hell of ‘diagnosis: now what’.”
Thank you so much for writing this. I relate to every single word so much that my heart aches reading it. 🥺 But it is so healing to feel so seen, no longer alone and lost without words for this experience. I am so grateful for your contribution to these words. 💚
This resonates strongly. You’ve articulating thoughts and feelings with such transparency and economy. I am currently too overwhelmed to try to organise them into words, as you have done so beautifully here, as like you say I’m trying to keep my word small reduce the noise sharp demands that the NT world imposes daily - literally and figuratively. Thank you. I will keep this to give to NT people I know to read. It says precisely what I want and need to say today ✨✨🙏🏻
Thank you for writing this. I was struck by your observation that neurodiversity isn’t as prominent later in life (as others see it). I’m a therapist who was also diagnosed later in life and so many of my patients have a message they keep telling themselves, “I should have outgrown this.” I grew up in NYC and lived there for 21 years. It was always loud and the masking was exhausting. I never “got used to it.” It was only when I was able to move to a place that felt safer and listen to myself that I was able to heal.
That’s a really interesting insight, thank you. It doesn’t help that autism and ADHD are still referred to as “childhood disorders” in the mainstream media and general community.
That is beautiful feedback RG, thank you. Sounds like you are truly in the thick of it. But as you say, we are not alone.
This rings so true. I’ve been unraveling my late diagnosis in the thick of perimenopause. It is a lot, and the urge to try and “fix” myself is still so strong.
Thank you Kari... so much unraveling!
Thank you for this. I can relate to so much of your story. I am in a state of exhaustion at the moment and trying not to beat myself up about it. Thank you for reminding me that it is part of the process.
(Diagnosed autistic at age 42, probably also undiagnosed ADHD. Surgical menopause at 52. Self-employed as conventional employments never last more than 6 months. Lots of other similarities to your story..)
Thanks so much for your response Tina. It’s so much to deal with isn’t it? I’m glad you were also able to take the self-employment option and I hope it’s working well for you.
Thank you. I’ve been reading free content for a while, now a subscriber.
Your work is vital. I am sure I will have much to comment on in the future, I just want to express my gratitude for now
Thank you for sharing this. This is going to help so many people. Honoring your description of how you create your own authentic life.
Thank you so much, that's very kind.
So relatable. I was diagnosed ADHD when I was 55 and 10 years later and a lot of research and self awareness I believe he should have added ASD but at 65 I’m not going to push it because it’s all neurodivergence to one degree or the other. I don’t think I was ever mad about it, just a mixture of aha moments and sad moments knowing my life could have been different.
I get what you’re saying Leah. The diagnosis only gets you so far. The hard slog of unravelling how it has impacted on you and interacted with everything else in your life is down to you.
Ugh yes, I’ve been stuck in this “overcoming” loop for so long and it’s just not possible. If you’ve heard of the spoon theory, we don’t need more spoons, we just need to learn to accept and manage the spoons we have.
Yes, I know all about spoon theory. I also know about fork theory - the sharp edges in the environment that make life harder and use up our spoons. The environment needs to change instead of us adapting to it all the time.
What if we keep attracting the same forks in our environment?
"The hypervigilant nervous system that comes with an ever-present fear of being in the world and being caught out for some unspecified infringement. Never being able to settle into a core sense of safety because it doesn’t feel safe to be yourself. Whatever that is." This and the following few paragraphs so beautifully summarized what led to the chronic burnout I'm just starting to crawl out of. Thank you for articulating things I've struggled with, and well as the desire to find what will work moving forward 🙏🏻🖤
Could have written this. It is such a point for point mirror of what I’ve been feeling. I’m coming to understand the rupture/collapse I feel is both a reflection of our time (as without, so within) but also fairly (haha) TYPICAL of the late dx AuDHD middle aged woman. It’s a relief to finally be ‘normal’ in a way? But also look at the road of recovery, stabilization, and reacquaintance with oneself lies before you. It’s a whole lot.
Yes…reacquaintance with oneself is a massive project considering all we need to work through to get there.
Hi, I have chosen to send this comment because I read this post today.
I read it with a mixture of emotions, realising that your words were my words. The tiredness has caught up with me and it has puzzled me because after taking my own step off the neuro typical merry-go-round recently to seek out a recovery from imminent burn out, I had expected to find balance and energy.
I'm a late diagnosed ADHDer myself. My world has started to retract and its not so much a conscious decision but another kind of fall out.
Anyway, thank you for articulating the experience and I will stop my ramblings.
Thanks so much for your response Shirralee. It’s so bittersweet isn’t it - wanting to tap into your authentic self and build a life that honours it but having so many things getting in the way.
Thank you for sharing, thank you for expressing these feelings way more eloquently than I could have.
I am trying to reconcile what you’ve written with my (anecdotal) knowledge that a diagnosis in middle school was not some type of salvation, or a haven for help, growth and opportunity.
It was the 90s, it was deeply shaming in my school, IEPs were laughable/ignored, and there was absolutely no body of knowledge about the way ADHD influenced sleep or emotional dysregulation, for examples.
Diagnosed as a child, a girl with inattentive subtype (there was the *slightest* nod toward subtypes by then but no real insight as to what they meant in terms of need), there was still an expectation that this diagnosis was for school and school only. So the ‘grow out of it’ mentality was ever-present from everybody to parents to psychiatric care (because if you didn’t do well on stimulant meds, that meant you didn’t need any).
Not trying to debate who has it harder, just recognize that a diagnosis is yes, a privilege, and still, only a privilege for some with the means for treatment beyond amphetamines and psycho-therapy, and for people/families that understood this wasn’t simply a childhood or school-related disorder.
I agree with you that being diagnosed as a child is far from a panacea for all the difficulties that come with being neurodivergent. I was a child in the 70s and 80s when it wasn't even a diagnostic possibility so I tend not to focus on the what-ifs. Even if it had been a possibility I'm sure it would have been its own hell as you suggest. But what I do try and focus on is the legacy that we deal with as adults; the accumulated stress and trauma of all those years of trying to meet neurotypical expectations. I ask that people understand the ongoing impact on our mental and physical health and why we need to be supported as adults. In 2025 there is no excuse for ignorance about neurodivergence.
I take no issue with your advocacy, just pointing that so many of those of us who received diagnoses earlier share the same problem - because upon diagnosis the language/med approach is still centered around “okay how can we fix you and all these issues you have/all the ways you are problematic” instead of meeting us outside neurotypical expectations.
When I read people finding relief in a diagnosis, my head and heart say, simultaneously, “wow I’m so glad that feels good” and “welcome to this special and unique hell of ‘diagnosis: now what’.”
Thank you so much for writing this. I relate to every single word so much that my heart aches reading it. 🥺 But it is so healing to feel so seen, no longer alone and lost without words for this experience. I am so grateful for your contribution to these words. 💚
This resonates strongly. You’ve articulating thoughts and feelings with such transparency and economy. I am currently too overwhelmed to try to organise them into words, as you have done so beautifully here, as like you say I’m trying to keep my word small reduce the noise sharp demands that the NT world imposes daily - literally and figuratively. Thank you. I will keep this to give to NT people I know to read. It says precisely what I want and need to say today ✨✨🙏🏻
This is deeply relatable, thank you! Let’s embrace the revolutionary act of rest.